Have I Been Queer Baiting?
Afterglow reflections.
As I enjoy the afterglow of a recent sweaty romp with a hairy muscle jock, I couldn’t help but wonder… have I been queer baiting?
I pride myself or at least believe that I am marching in the liberated binary adjacent, kink centric, expressionist army of the new generation but as I clean the remnants of man fluids from the linoleum, I reminisce on my recent encounters and my body of work as a professional sex monger. Sure the faces change, but the bods, the attitude, the overall vibe of these circuit hunks are by and large the same. Is this my quarter life crisis?
What changed?
Did a new body directly correlate to a new type or rather, subconsciously is my orbit gravitating only to guys within similar parameters? Perhaps it’s not that deep and sure, I could be overthinking the concept. It’s just slightly jarring on the kind of guys I enjoyed casual encounters with prior to getting a gym membership and prior to having my nooks and crannies on screen.
I truly believed I was some kind of sexual social justice warrior, leading the girls out of the dark room and into the rainbow bright light. I believed and still do by a thread that with all of my avant garde shenanigans, that I’m aiding in the annihilation of toxic masculinity once and for all. But am I?
Sure, I’ve been dressing the part in perfect form, preaching it from the rooftops but in the end, I find myself more and more, in bed with the “enemy”. To be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with masculinity or “generic” hotness. It’s all about moderation right? To be fair, it’s not Chad’s fault that he was born with the “ideal” feautures and specifications like the perfect eugenics experiment. Ken… is just Ken, it’s not entirely his fault. Sure, I have cosplayed to my best attempt time and time again for work related purposes but perhaps it’s no longer a costume and perhaps I’ve taken on my own Ken form more than I realize. I ask myself existentially… am I a Chad Variant?
Is the queerness, the strangeness, the expression that I have put out the cosplay and the costume to cover what is actually… just a Ken? It’s a hard pill to swallow.
No way can the alternative, goth, awkward he/they have anything in common with the masc4masc bros… so I convince myself. Perhaps I’ve convinced a captive audience online that subscribe to personal brand of queer but just how authentic is the persona to the human. Is this a representation of whom I was or rather, whom I want and strive to be but in reality can never truly measure up to? Is this the ghost trapped in the machine of the internet. I still enjoy the darkest and most obscure of music and film, strut the streets in my Rick owens heels, however I find myself at more and more circuit parties over gritty underground rounds or goth clubs. I love my dramatic high fashion wears but realistic the dedication to the gym daily has me outfitted in more sweats and muscle tanks.
I suppose when we reach the penultimate end of our 20s, becoming more introspective can inevitably happen. Is this all to say that I should performatively hookup with more blatantly queer humans as possible…. No!
I do believe that I should reopen my horizons and look past the 6 pack when hungrily scrolling the apps. Read more bios, perhaps chat up the person I just swapped spit with post orgasm. Maybe I am no longer the awkward weirdo I once was in my teens and early 20s. Perhaps it’s time to let him go. Maybe I have now evolved to my new form, Pokémon style and maybe it is that now… I’m a Chad or a Ken holding on to dear life to the queerness I had and the queer anarchist I so desperately want to be.
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