Why do we fetishise straight guys?

It's one of the classic fantasies - a guy that is "straight" is curious enough or somehow persuaded into getting into a bit of man-on-man action with a gay dude who knows exactly what he's doing.

Sure, there's a lot to unpack with this fantasy - it's mostly driven by internalised homophobia - but let's not overthink it. Hook-ups with "straight guys" are part of our sexual landscape and it's something we all need to figure out how to navigate.

Why might a straight guy be into having sex with a dude?

Human sexuality is a fairly complex construct. We’re not here to question anyone’s sexuality or undermine how they identify. There’s plenty of men that have sex with men but don’t identify as gay. That’s cool, whatever works for you.

There’s lots of reasons or circumstances in which a guy who identifies as straight might be open to or turned on by the prospect of a man-on-man encounter.

For some guys, it might be about availability. If you’re a single guy who’s horned-up and wants his cock sucked, knowing that you can find some no-questions-asked action at a local glory-hole may be an easier option than trying to navigate conversations on hetero dating apps.

It might be a case of right place/right time. A gym-bro who is kicking back in the sauna after a heavy workout might be in the right head-space to be open to a helping hand from a guy that appreciates his physique.

If a straight guy is not getting the sex they need from their hetero relationship, they may convince themselves that it’s not cheating if they’re just getting their rocks off with another guy. Gay hook-up culture and cruising opportunities offer no-strings-attached anonymous action. A straight guy can easily find willing holes where they can drop a load with no baggage. That’s not cheating, right?

Some guys just fall into the “curious” category. Maybe they’ve been watching some MMF porn, or perhaps they had some experiences when they were younger and want to revisit that, or maybe they’ve just been wondering what some level of intimacy with another man would feel like.

There's also some science to it. A recent study published by the University of Michigan suggests that men who have sex with both men and women are more likely to reproduce - bisexual men have more children than dudes who have never explored a bit of man-on-man action.

Ultimately, if a straight guy wants to have sex with you then their motivating factors are their business. You just need to decide whether or not you’re into it. Spoiler alert - you're probably going to be into it.

How can you identify a straight guy who might be open to a bit of gay sex?

One of the things that we know about male sexuality is that it’s generally fairly binary. Most guys are sexually aroused by women, and a small percentage of us are sexually aroused by men.

If a guy tells you that he’s straight, you may as well accept that at face-value and turn your attention elsewhere.

However if a guy is saying that he’s not gay but is giving you pretty clear signals that he’d be open to a bit of man-on-man action, then there’s every chance that he’ll be up for some fun - if you play your cards right.

Why do gay guys want to have sex with straight guys?

This isn’t the time or place to try and unpack the internalised homophobia that generally underpins the sexual appeal of a straight guy.

These are the guys that bullied us at school, these are the guys that were picked first on the sports team, these are the guys that we tried not to get caught staring at in the locker-room. It can feel like some sort of release or vindication to realise that we’re not that different – he also likes dick.

Being obsessed with straight guys isn’t particularly healthy. It feeds the Masc4Masc bullshit that presents “straight-acting” as being somehow more desirable. Personally, I’m very proud to call myself a faggot – I’m interested in sucking your cock, not having a discussion about where you sit on the Kinsey Scale.

How to have gay sex with straight men

Build a bromance

A straight guy who could be open to some man-on-man action may feel more comfortable crossing that line if you’ve already established a level of trust. Bromances can be a beautiful thing – you like each other, you enjoy spending time together, your emotional intimacy could develop into physical intimacy.

Take it slow

One of the frustrating things about having sex with a straight guy is that you really have to let him set the pace. He’s doing some complicated emotional gymnastics to navigate his sexuality – if you try and rush him into anything, you’ll most likely just scare him off and it will be game-over. He’s going to want you to be available but not needy. You’re pretty much going to have to let him make the first move.

Create opportunities

You can help things along by looking for opportunities for the two of you to be alone together. Maybe you workout together, or he comes over to watch a movie, or you go for a run and then back to yours for a shower. This is putting your “available but not needy” strategy into action.

Show him the ropes

He may have already had some man-on-man experience, but chances are that you’ve had a lot more than him. It’s important to let him take the lead on how things unfold but also guide him as to what feels good and what doesn’t push your buttons. Communication is really key – even if it’s the non-verbal kind.

He may have a perception or an expectation of what he’d like to happen, so start there. As he relaxes and becomes more confident, it’s likely that he’ll be open to trying new things.

On the down-low

You might not be in the closet, but he probably is – you need to respect that. He probably won’t want anyone else to know that you’re fucking, he may not even acknowledge you if he sees you on the street. If that doesn’t work for you then you shouldn’t be fucking a straight man. Embrace the secrecy and intrigue – sometimes it can be fun to be the bit on the side.

Why falling for a straight guy was the best and worst thing to happen to me

A true story, submitted by a G-TV reader

I need to learn how to get over him.

Since I was a teenager, I’ve been using straight men as a way to try to validate my sexuality. Being gay was okay as long as I didn’t look gay or sound gay or act gay. Being friends with straight men enabled me to pretend that I could pass as ‘straight enough’ – that my sexuality wouldn’t be seen as a liability.

I realised at a young age that I was gay. I "came out" when I was young. To some people, that seemed to signify confidence. But I’d still managed to internalise a lot of hatred of my sexuality, a lot of hatred of myself, a lot of homophobia.

Over the years, there’s been a lot of men. A lot of men who said that they were straight. Some were straighter than others.

I was trapped in a cycle of giving my body to others to prove that someone, somewhere wanted me – even if it was just for one night. Some experiences were fun, some not. I’m still trying to process how ruthless men can be when they have zero regard for anyone but themselves.

So, how did it happen? How could I be so stupid as to fall for a straight guy when I knew that its inevitable ending would break me? How can I say that falling for him was the best thing to happen to me when it was so clearly one of the worst?

Because, the truth is, I would do it all over again. Because falling for him was heavenly.

It was the start of summer. His body was toned, his hair was long. I fell for everything about him – his weird sense of humour, his inward smirk, the lines that cut through his face when he laughed. I adored getting to know him – it felt more like a privilege than a bad idea. Loving him was like listening to a really good song – the more I memorised the lyrics, the deeper I got.

I convinced myself that this time was different. Every time I glanced and saw him looking at a woman, I tricked myself into thinking it was me that had caught his attention.

When we walked side-by-side, I wondered whether he was as aware of our closeness as much as I. If I wasn’t so afraid of losing him, I would have tried holding his hand and telling him that it fits so well.

Summer came to an end. As the nights drew shorter, there seemed to be fewer excuses to see him. It had also become apparent that his interest lay in a girl. My only option was self-sabotage.

I told him that I liked him. It was someone else’s house. We were at a party. I needed the alcohol to loosen my tongue. We were in the bathroom together, just the two of us. He said he didn’t find me attractive. I cried. It was over.

If I had kept my mouth shut, at least I would still have had hope. But, you know what they say about hope, it breeds eternal misery.

My desire for him is all-consuming. To him, it is unnatural and foreign. His body rejects me. Yet here I am, unashamedly and irrevocably addicted.

He apologises and tells me things I don’t want to hear.

“It’s tricky, isn’t it…” he shrugs.

We go back out to the party. I keep drinking.

The hardest thing came next – telling him that I needed space. As much as I valued our friendship, I needed time for this wound to scab. I needed him to become a scar in the same way that all the other men had. I wanted to still be able to see the mark that he’d made but no longer wince whenever I touched it.

But nothing healed. When he messaged me – drunk, sat in a bar in London – I immediately pictured myself there. Because I am forever waiting, my life on hold, just in case things change.

We could go to Italy, like he wanted. I could write – balcony doors open, white linen blowing in and out of the apartment. We’d play cards together and lay in the sun. He could practise his Italian. He could teach me to play the piano. He could tan his arms and his chest and his legs. He could hold me. He could fuck me. We could go to Italy. We could be together.

Months later, and I’m sat across from a date in a bar. I’m a thousand miles from home and the humidity is strong. My date is talking to me about his life. I nod and laugh when I think I should. I sip my vodka and diet coke.

We finish our drinks and my date – David? No, Michael? – asks me if I want to come back to his.

“Yes…” I reply. Of course I say yes.

I need to learn how to get over him.